The new Masterchef will kid you not

image taken from here

It's been reported that Channel Seven and Nine are launching their own variations on the hugely popular MasterChef aired on Ten Network.

Ten's chief programmer David Mott warned his rivals that viewers wouldn't be fooled, " . . . audiences (will) smell a rat and go "Hang on a second, why are the other networks copying? . . . I don't think audiences will respond."

Well, have I got news for you dear Mott.

If Nine or Seven have their marbles intact, their version of Masterchef will be a mini or rather kiddy version. Kids who masterchef! What can be more riveting than watching kids having a discourse on the virtues of fish cooked a la meuniere?

The show format will be more or less the same, except for two significant differences:

a. No host with plunging necklines and/or inappropriate accessories, no sirree. Instead there will be a kiddy host with high screeching voice making non-PC comments about everything and everyone on the show, preferably munching on a yellow pepper a la Chairman Kaga of Iron Chef.

b. The panel of judges will be also kids or if not, kid-like adults espousing esoteric culinary values and valuations. The adult thingie is a concessionary throw-in; after all we want to give moms and dads and nanas and fafas a lifeline to be glued to the show. I mean one can only take kiddy-speak up to a point.

There, if anyone at Nine and Seven is reading this, feel free to take my idea and run with it.

Putting some iron into Masterchef

If anyone at Ten Network care to ask me, I think there is no loss if Sarah Wilson is not returning to Masterchef, i.e. if her zilch personality on the final episode of Masterchef is anything to go by. Sure she was there on location I mean any blind fool can see that but when she opens her mouth you wondered how on earth she even got to get there in the first place.

Okay, I admit to be a tad haste in brushing Wilson off granted I didn't even catch the whole final episode having to masterchef (oh yes, if you can google, surely you can masterchef) away in my kitchen that fateful evening but then you know me, I can sum up the worth of a TV persona before you can spell well, persona. Friends of Wilson said that part of the reason she was not involved in Celebrity MasterChef was because she was working on other projects and just "couldn't do it''. Yeah, right.

First of all I don't think there is any need to have a host for this kind of show, especially based on the current format and the apparent lack of talent; after all the judges are (already) snuggling up close and personal with the contestants. Just appoint a head-judge with hosting duties and voila, problem solved.

And if you really, really must have a host, then I have two words for you - Takeshi Kaga. Or Chairman Kaga, if you a follower of Ryori no Tetsujin aka Iron Chef.

Who can really resist Kaga's flamboyant outfits and dramatic pose (and pause) as he unveils the mystery ingredient on Iron Chef? C'mon, level it; can Wilson's decolletage hold a candle against the imagery of a Kaga tantalizingly taking a bite on that juicy yellow pepper?

Speaking of juicy, I would like to see the three returning Masterchef judges of Matt Preston, George Calombaris and Gary Mehigan notch up their gameplan. Comments like "this is delicious", "the meat is soft and tender as it should be", aren't at all helpful. Nor does it do anything to add to the show's drama.

They could take a leaf from the judges of Iron Chef, especially this gem, "at first I was afraid I won't like river eel but when I bite into this dish prepared by xxxxxx, it reminded me of the autumn leaves falling to the ground, softly, gently, and with a tinge of regret that beauty can be so transitionary."

. . . . .

I know, raises the hair on your back but this is exactly that sort of commentary that makes for compelling viewing, and keeps you coming back for more.